Contraband Confusion

*Lately, boy has been pushing the boundaries, and as a result, I'm trying deprivation as a discipline method ... it's not going so well*

boy: *walks through the house with a toy when I've asked him to go to the bathroom*
me: give me the contraband and go to the toilet!
boy: it's my contraband mummy
me: I know it's yours, but I want you to go to the toilet, so give it to me!

boy: I don't want to go to nursery today
me: you have to go to nursery, I have to go to work
boy: I want to go to Manchester
me: okay, get ready to go to Manchester, we'll get you a lift to the station *boy gets ready, I put him in the car for nursery*

*the biggest issue at the moment, is how clearly and quickly he picks words up ...*
me: get your coat on and stop jumping!
boy: *comes over to me and lets me put on my coat. He waits until the zip's up* Bitch.

mum: *stubbing her toe and not realising he was near* oh fuck!
boy: fuck, fuck, fuck
me: you mean, duck, you're saying it wrong!
*later*
dad: *not realising boy is near either* oh, bugger!
boy: did you say fuck grandpa?

Geography for dinner?

(My mother has just left for a trip to Australia, and I'm talking to the boy about trips we've been on)

me: And one time, a long time before you were even thought of, I went on a plane to Boston, so I could go to Massachussets.
him: (clearly misunderstanding what I mean by Massachussets) Did you eat all your dinner up mummy?

Boys will always compete for size:

him: Grampa, do you have a big winky?

Too early in the morning

(This happened this morning about half past six, after he crawled into my bed and spent the whole night there):

me: *open my eyes*
him: *whispering* bored.
me: you're bored?
him: yeah, I'm bored!

and:

him: *crawling onto my lap, and pumping his arm up and down* splshsssssh! Mummy, I flushed you!
me: what, am I a toilet?
him: no, you're a wee-wee!

Kids sometimes have gender issues

(On day 5 of toilet training, where we've so far had 4 successful wee's in the toilet)

"Mummy, I like wearing knickers."

(On a day I had a meeting at work, and had no one to watch him while I went, so I had to bring him along. I bribed him to be quiet with a happy meal and his buzz and woody dolls)

"I have old mcdonalds? Old mcdonalds?"

He's well trained:

me: Matt?
him: DAMON!
me: Ben?
him: AFFERLICK!
me: Harry?
him: POTTER!
me: Awwick?
him: (in the accent) BAWWWINN!

Potter Puppet Pals are universal:

"Snake, snake, sessessess snake! Dubbadore!"

Kid discoveries

(This happened post-bath, pre-pull ups) "Look mummy, I have a tail!" *grabs himself*

(And this was on introducing him to 'big boy pants', with a picture of Woody from toy story on front) *to book* "Look Woody, is that you? It is!"

At least he eats his vegetables

(while eating peas and carrots, which I cooked with cottage pie. He'd already had tea at nursery, but it never hurts to encourage your kids to eat veg, right?) "I popped my carrot!" *takes another baby carrot and sucks like spaghetti until it pops*

Potty training doesn't always go to plan:
Grandma: have you done poos?
him: yeeeeeeahhhhhhh .... no.
me: yes or no?
him: hmmmmmmmm yes. No.

First entry

This is going to be my blog about the funniest person in my life, my three year old son. He comes out with such brilliant one liners, I want to document them. So when he gets a girlfriend I can shame him with this.

Some examples of his absolute wit:

(On attending Eid-ul-fitr at the local surestart, where they made the mistake of having the storytelling and drum workshop in the same room as a bunch of toys. Most of the children either cried or headed for the role play kitchen area.)

"I liked the drums mummy. I liked the kitchen too."

(A conversation about knock knock jokes)

him: knock knock
me: who's there?
him: Tay
me:Tay who?
him: Tay's at my house!
me: No, that's not how it's meant to go, it's like 'knock knock'. *blank look from him* *whispering* say 'who's there?'
him: who's there?
me: doctor. *another blank look* say doctor who *another blank look* okay, knock knock.
him: ring the doorbell.
me: no, knock knock.
him: ring the doorbell, ring the doorbell!

(To his grandmother, while I'm at work) 'Grandma, you get on my nerves.'

(To my brother, when he comes into the room) 'Go away' (my brother leaves) 'No, come back!' (he returns) ' ... Go away'